Memes. We all love them. We all post them. Heck, my Facebook page is full of them. Honestly, I do it to put a smile on people’s faces. Sometimes memes get posted to help point out that despite how bad things seem, it will get better. However, the context of the meme shows how little research the creator put into the meme. Take this one in particular:

Never fails, the moment you go to the bathroom, the family’s gotta bother ya

This meme ticks me off. I mean, seriously, I see it posted on Facebook and the comment I want to write is “This is dumber than those political misleading memes you like to post.” But instead of getting into politics, because I have very little patience discussing it with anyone, let’s talk about the Jurassic Park franchise. I mean, I realize that you’re trying to help by posting the meme, but it’s wrong. Going to point that out in this article. And the first thing I’m going to say is this: Jurassic Park never opened in the first place. EVER! | Talking About Shirtless Jeff Goldblum in Jurassic Park 3-D
Guys, drink me in. Ladies, drink me in deeper

The first film was about a small group of people evaluating the park before it was planned to open, which never happened. There was a forgotten subplot about a competitor wanting to steal dino embryo’s. Also Velociraptors are highly intelligent, and for whatever reason, we got Jeff Goldblums chest.

Something I feel about the original film, which has been going around for years, and Michael Crichton did cover it in either the first or second novel he had written. The dinosaurs were NOT created using DNA found in mosquitoes preserved in ember. Instead, the dinosaurs were created from a genetic mix of different animals, created to look and act how we perceive dinosaurs to be. The point of the first film, according to this theory, is Hammond brought Grant, Ellie, and Malcolm to the island was to see if it was convincing enough to fool the experts, then the park was ready to open. Remember the scene where Hammond told Ellie about his early days of opening a flea circus and people swore up and down that they could see the fleas performing? Same concept only Hammond upped the ante, waaaaay up. Listen, I thought the old guy was lovable, but he was still a con artist. A lovable con artist who liked to see people smile and be entertained, so there is that.

Spared no expense… Richard Attenborough's best bits from Jurassic ...
Who could hate this face. It’d be like hating Santa Claus. What?

The second film, Jurassic Park: The Lost World, had two different groups heading to the island (I think it was a different one, where InGen created the dinosaurs, it’s been awhile since I’ve seen it), one a scientific group, because, if I may borrow a line from Cinema Sins, science gotta science, the second about a group of mercenaries capturing some dinosaurs to take to San Diego to open a smaller version of JP in San Diego, because business gotta business. That never opened, but sequel’s gotta sequel. Also, we have the romantic subplot with Malcolm and his sweetie, having to protect his daughter due to Jurassic Park films need kids, and a T-Rex running through San Diego.

Is It Just Me? ... or is The Lost World as good as Jurassic Park ...
New York got King Kong, Tokyo got Godzilla, San Diego got the T-Rex. Don’t worry, other cities didn’t fare as well in the Monster Draft Pick
So, my goal to be Charisma Carpenter’s love interest in a film is still possible, then?

The third film, Jurassic Park III (Or Jurassic Park: Three Raptor Slashes…look at the logo) dealt with Alan Grant being tricked to fly over the island, thinking he’s giving an educational type tour, only to find out that the real reason they’re on the island is to find the son (Because…..Kids) of the couple who hired Grant. No park opened, and they were there illegally. Also, there was the Spinosaurus, satellite phone in a big pile of poop, Pterodactyls, and Michael Jeter as a tough mercenary.

The true star of Jurassic World. The other guy is Chris Pratt

The fourth film, Jurassic World, a park opened, for the first time, but it was not called Jurassic Park, it was Jurassic World……then it was shut down. There was an original dinosaur genetically created, Indomitus Rex, who was super smart, had camouflage powers, could control the raptors, the T-Rex made an appearance, government wanted to weaponize raptors, Bryce Dallas Howard was running around the jungle in heels, and did you know there were kids in the cast as well?

The fifth film, Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom, had Owen and Claire returning to the island to save some dinosaurs because of an active volcano that was erupting, island was destroyed, and, according to the filmmakers, the Brachiosaurus from the first film died during that, story shifted to Los Angeles……I actually didn’t see the film, but I know the park didn’t re-open. All I know is that there’s another evil type dinosaur, Malcolm appears at the end, there’s a kid, sure it was a clone, but she was still a kid, and a sixth film is in the works. Franchise gotta franchise, with kids, natch. Also, not sure if I want to see Fallen Kingdom, yet. Not ready to see the Brachiosaurus perish.

So, as you see, the original Jurassic Park never opened, as it never opened, it never closed, as none of that happened, nothing re-opened. Jurassic World opened, then it closed, then it didn’t reopen because, volcano.

Tell Sam Neil I love him

Now, I understand that, during these times, we’re trying to all help each other, trying to get everyone to look on the bright side of things and that it’ll all get better, but when you do a poorly researched meme based on a sci fi, fantasy, comic book, or RPG franchise, expect to be lectured. Because Geeks are gonna geek. Many of us were there, before the studios and corporations invaded and took control of our conventions. We are very passionate about our fandoms, and we will defend what we love, by giving you the entire history of the franchise that you never bothered to research before making that meme. That’s right, if you aren’t a geek, we’ll BORE you to death. Which brings us to this meme

In the Geek World, WE are Aslan

Thank you so much for reading my rant, actually it was more in fun than anything. I’m sure I got a fact or two wrong, but I’m more than certain the park never reopened five times. Hope everyone is staying safe during this time, and don’t worry, we WILL get through this crisis. And to those of you who create the memes, I love you guys so much … just research first, or my next rant may be about you.


Gary DaBaum
Gary DaBaum

Gary DaBaum, DJ, writer, and all around nice guy, can be heard on When not on the air, he can be found in the virtual world of Second Life, or spoiling his grand nephew.