I consider myself a horror junkie (though admittedly it’s more novels than movies – but while searching through Netflix for fun things to watch, I noticed that there were a lot of horror movies. I was totally intrigued, and it gave me the greatest idea. I would watch all 38 of the horror movies currently on Netflix, and write reviews of them as a lead up to Halloween.  Luckily, the folks here at SCIFI.radio are completely and totally awesome enough to indulge me.

First up on the list is the movie CREEP. Released to video on demand (VOD) on June 23, 2015, written by it’s two stars, Patrick Brice and Mark Duplass, and directed by Brice, it’s a “found footage” film. For those of you not familiar with the “found footage” genre it’s exactly what it sounds like. It’s a fictional story where a large part of, if not the entire fictional story is presented as if it were “discovered” or “uncovered” as film or video recordings. It’s widely used in the horror genre these days, especially after the success of movies like The Blair Witch Project and Paranormal Activity. More often than not, it’s presented as amateur film making or home movie style recording with very shaking hand held cameras or multiple stationery cameras capturing both the “documentary style” footage and the actors-as-real-people real time commentary. Sometimes, the footage is shown with commentary from the person(s) who “found” the footage and they show it in its “raw” format.

CREEP’s plot is fairly simple. Josef (played by Mark Duplass) places an ad on Craig’s List for someone to do some video work for him, and Aaron (played by Patrick Brice) responds. Aaron goes up to Crestline (a real town just outside of Los Angeles up in the San Bernardino mountains). Josef tells Aaron that he wants to do a video series for his unborn son, (a la because he may not be here to see his son’s birth as he has a brain tumor the size of a baseball. That should have been Aaron’s first clue that this guy was full of shit, but okay.

After filming Josef in the bathtub, taking a bath with his unborn son, they go hiking and have a bit of a bonding moment. Then, they go out for pancakes, where Josef tells Aaron some stuff, they go back to the house, Josef tries to convince Aaron to stay for a glass of whiskey, which he does. They talk; Josef confesses he lied about something, blah blah blah. I was fucking bored to tears, guys.

Yes, this is actually a frame from the movie. Wolf jazz hands.

Yes, this is actually a frame from the movie. Wolf jazz hands.

The attempted jump scares throughout this are so ho-hum they border on hilarious, and the ending was so completely anticlimactic and unsatisfying, I wanted to cry. Netflix gave this “horror” film two stars. TWO WHOLE STARS. I give it none. It wasn’t horror at ALL. It wasn’t even all that interesting. And the worst part? THEY’RE MAKING A F***ING SEQUEL. I’m not kidding. It’s slated to come out in 2017.

I will probably see it, just because I want to see if the guys who wrote and directed this movie got any better, but I have to tell you, I do not have high hopes for the sequel at all.

However, this would be an excellent film to MST3K. No joke. I can hear the hilarity from here.

Release Date: June 23, 2015
Directed By: Patrick Brice
Written By: Patrick Brice and Mark Duplass
Starring: Mark Duplass as Josef; Patrick Brice as Aaron; Katie Aselton as Angela (voice)

Rating: No Stars